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1.
I
told
my
wife
she
was
drawing
her
eyebrows
too
high.
She
looked
surprised.
】
2.
I
just
washed
my
hands
and
wanted
to
go
to
the
toilet,
but
now
I
have
to
wash
my
hands
again
because
the
door
handle
is
dirty.
】
3.
My
favorite
exercise
is
a
cross
between
a
lunge
and
a
crunch.
I
call
it
lunch.
】
4.
I
can't
believe
I
got
fired
from
the
calendar
factory.
All
I
did
was
take
a
day
off.
】
5.
My
girlfriend
said
she
was
leaving
me
because
of
my
obsession
with
The
Simpsons.
At
first,
I
thought
it
was
a
joke,
but
then
I
realized
she
was
serious
and
said
"D'oh!"】
6.
Some
people
just
need
a
high-five.
In
the
face.
With
a
chair.
】
7.
I
used
to
be
indecisive.
Now
I'm
not
sure.
】
8.
The
shortest
sentence
in
the
English
language
is
"I
am.
"
The
longest
sentence
is
"I
do.
"】
9.
I'm
not
arguing.
I'm
simply
explaining
why
I'm
right.
】
10.
I
always
take
life
with
a
grain
of
salt,
plus
a
slice
of
lemon,
and
a
shot
of
tequila.
】
11.
Somebody
stole
my
Microsoft
Office
and
they
are
going
to
pay.
You
have
my
Word.
】
12.
My
wife
told
me
to
stop
impersonating
a
flamingo.
I
had
to
put
my
foot
down.
】
13.
You
can't
make
everyone
happy.
You're
not
a
jar
of
Nutella.
】
14.
If
at
first,
you
don't
succeed,
redefine
success.
】
15.
I'm
not
lazy,
I'm
just
on
energy-saving
mode.
】
16.
My
brain
is
like
a
web
browser.
19
tabs
are
open,
3
are
frozen,
and
I
have
no
idea
where
the
music
is
coming
from.
】
17.
If
opportunity
doesn't
knock,
build
a
door.
Or
just
use
your
key.
】
18.
I
was
going
to
tell
a
joke
about
time
travel
but
you
guys
didn't
like
it.
】
19.
Don't
trust
atoms.
They
make
up
everything.
】
20.
I
have
a
photographic
memory.
It's
just
that
sometimes
I
forget
to
put
the
film
in.
】
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